SILENCE!

My m.o. is basically OUTPUT. I am a loud, busy, (usually) fun and energetic person. I am not typically quiet or shy. I do not spend a lot of time in solitude, or pondering. In fact, I would be willing to bet that it's been said about me that I should spend more time thinking before I speak, rather than during or after my comments. : )

The last couple of weeks, as I recovered from my busy time, I have been spending in quiet. Not necessarily in my relationships with others, though I have been more thoughtful about my interactions with my family, but also in my blogging and my consideration of things. For example, I saw a sunset last night, and really wanted to photograph it, to capture it and share it with the world. But, instead, I chose to take it in-- spend more time and energy keeping it to myself, rather than spitting it back at others. I have had silly thoughts, and funny things to report, but instead, I just chose to laugh to myself or to share them with B.

I don't really know why I am feeling this way, and I don't think it is indicative of any sort of immediate depression or problem. I think it's just a phase. It is healthy for me, though, as I think that while my normal behavior is, well, normal (for me), it consumes a lot of energy and effort. I am tired, lots of things have made me tired lately, and as I try and recover from this busy time, from a very difficult work period (which went off very well, I might add), and a very difficult time with M, being quiet and thoughtful has enabled me to recharge.

I think that I am very close to being "back to my normal" self (whatever that is), but I feel like that panic is just the other side of a bad day. It's also exhausting to be fearful or cognizant of that. I do have some appointments lined up to be sure that it doesn't happen again. Eileen said that I had a panic attack, and if you have never had one of those, consider yourself very lucky. I used to think that people made those things up, or were fragile people, and couldn't deal with life's speed bumps very well. I have struggled with not only the fear of another panic attack, but the feeling that I must now not be as strong as I once was. Logically that's just BS, but emotionally it's hard to convince oneself otherwise.

I read a wonderful article recently (Dooce linked to it). If you have a chance to read it, you should. It describes a man, like myself, who thought depression and panic was for weak people. Not strong people like me. He happened to be smack in the middle of Hurricane Katrina. My "hurricane" was when B was discharged from the AF. That same time, M was diagnosed, and we had no idea where we were going, where the money would be coming from, and I-- a person who was typically in control-- was feeling incredibly out of control. I used to write scenarios on index cards and then write everything that would happen if that scenario came to pass. It was like having a flow chart for my life. If we were discharged with X amount of money, to X part of the country, then we would take action by doing this and this and this. For a different amount of money, or a different part of the country, or for not being discharged, then we would do this. In that situation, given that he was not yet discharged (and not certain of discharge), and we didn't know where we were going, it was difficult not to put the horse before the cart. No job until you have a destination, no destination until you are discharged, no money until you are discharged... A very, helpless, out-of-control situation that rocked my confidence and made me forever second guess my plan in life. I will never allow myself to be controlled to that extent ever again.

So that was my "hurricane." The author of the article was never able to recover from the hurricane because he covered stories of suffering and despair daily. Even when his familiy moved away to stay with family while the worst of it was occurring, he stayed behind to cover those desperate souls still mired in the aftermath. My aftermath was not a result of the Air Force, but rather my daily struggle with M and her emotional issues. It has been 14 years, and it has its ups and downs. Currently, it is down-- she is a teenager, with a severe attitude problem, unable to understand cause and effect, unable to conceptualize her place in relationships. Always angry at me for my role in whatever situation is plaguing her at the moment, from something about her clothes, to something that happened with her friends. She punishes me daily, from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. Our family dynamic clearly needs help, and I have plans to work on that, but I have to fix me first, as I need the strength to deal with her. Had I not been dealing with that for 14 years already, I think I would have more energy, but she has become fiercest when I find myself at my weakest. So I did not have an adequate chance to recover and renew after my hurricane. Work was a source of strength and stability. Dotting i's and crossing t's is a great way for one to feel in control. I can juggle all the balls necessary at work, even if the balls at home are dropping. It's enough to make me feel in control and effective, just to have the work part humming along smoothly. And frankly, that is a big step for me. Because at my old house, before we moved to the farm, I could not let the house/home stuff lie, either. But now my cleaning standards have relaxed, and I am content with not being supermom. However, when I had four meetings in four weeks (three major meetings), a ball was bound to drop. Instead of rolling with the punches, I was ill equipped. I was unable to roll with the punches. I lost my mind when the ball dropped, as I had lost all control of every aspect of my life (in my warped reality). In REALITY, I have amazing support from B and L. M does provide me with stability in her own way--- I can always depend on her to be consistently angry! I did NOT lose control. But my perception was one of despair, and I became desperate.

So, now as I come back, I am trying to take that respite. I am still bruised from that episode, and I am still very wary of it happening again. And, true to form, I will do what it takes to ensure I never find myself there again. Of course, that comes with its own pressures, but there are some things that one cannot change about themselves. I will not be silent for long!

In the meantime, I am storing up lots to write about. I can't wait to tell you about my possum that is at home in my Hav-A-Hart trap, just waiting for me to get home and figure out what the heck to do with it!!