Where to begin?

It has been an interesting few weeks. I wish I could say they were great, but they have definitely had their ups and downs.

The downs first...

Work is getting exceedingly stressful. I think probably the largest part of it is my inability to settle for anything less than perfection from myself. Definitely a character flaw, and given that I have spent the year (plus) in therapy, you'd think I'd have learned something. I have learned how to meditate, appreciate, vegitate, procrastinate and a hundred other things (that don't end in -ate) to give myself permission to be human. I have learned how to talk myself through tough situations and rationalize that my life doesn't have to be this way.

But it is not enough. While I thought I was making tremendous progress, when it came down to the wire, down to where it really mattered, it was all lip service. Superficial. I was unable to cut the mustard.

I have been doing my job since 1990. I am really, really good at it. I make mistakes, of course, as everyone does, but my clients love me. They just signed another year's contract with my company, for my services, and they have increased their pay to my company by over 33% in the past two years. They spoke the words, "we love her" to my company's CEO.

You would think that hearing and knowing that would be enough. Enough to get me out of bed in the morning, enough to give myself some lattitude to enjoy my job knowing that they love my work and find it worthy of a hefty raise.

Instead, it makes me feel intense pressure. If my client is paying that much more, then they deserve that much more toward perfection. Just typing it makes me feel like I must be insane-- that logic is just nonsense. But it is the way I feel, and the reality.

I had a meeting last week. I can't remember how many meetings I have planned for my work over the years. Scores. Big and small, complicated and simple. This meeting was for my dream client (the ones I mention above). I stressed out so badly last weekend I could hardly keep food down. (That is *SO* not like me!) I woke up every morning at 3:30 am, and even went into work one morning early because I couldn't get back to sleep. Two days before the meeting I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. I was convinced that I could *NOT* go to this meeting. I was thinking of all kinds of things I could do to get out of it-- feign sickness, call in with a made up farm accident, etc. It was completely and totally irrational. And even as I type it, it sounds like the most ridiculous thing one would ever do or think of. But my panic and my fear were completely overwhelming and undermined every ounce of logic and reason that I could even muster.

Fortunately, I am married to my most cherished friend. He picked me up, and while he validated my fears, he told me what I needed to do to get past them and succeed. He told me to breathe, put one foot in front of the other, and not to stop moving. And I did just what he told me to do. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I kept hearing him tell me that I could do it. During the meeting, he answered my phone calls, and text messaged me nice things. What an amazing friend.

Needless to say, my life is not the same as it was a year ago. Whatever has a hold of me has really gotten to my core, to the point that I am unable to do what I used to do in the same way. It has attacked my confidence and my experience. However, there is enough left of me to fight. There are things that I want to do, and I am pursuing them (the goats), and of course, for now, the day job is a necessary evil. But I am considering the amount of stress that I have daily, and whether this job is really healthy or not. Eileen has repeatedly told me that my job is not good for my health. I believe her, but I also question whether it will be this way for any job. After all, this is not reality, it is *my* reality, and it will be the same everywhere I go. It is not going to get any better until I fix the problem with me.

This runs in my family, it is deeper than logic, more real than you can ever imagine. I have seen it paralyze those who are heroes to me, render them helpless and hopeless. Fortunately, I think, because I have seen both sides of it, I know there is hope, and while it will not be an easy journey, I have what it takes. I have creative outlets, I have financial stability, I have the insight of experience with mental health issues, and above all, I have the dearest friend in the entire world for my life partner. I can't fail.

While all of that sounds like it would be all-consuming, life does go on, and there is plenty to be thankful for and from which to derive hope. Autumn is here, and I am determined to be excited about it. I am finding beauty today in the crisp wind, the whirlwinds of yellow and orange maple leaves swirling at my feet as the kids and I rush to get the last green tomatoes in for the season. It is going to be very cold the next few days, highs in the 40's and lows in the 20's. We will bring the tomatoes in the house, and hope they will ripen so we can can them. I can't wait to steam up the windows on the house, like a container of warm goodness in the cold air. Coming back in from the barn, you open the door to a steamy, savory smell that makes you ravenous, even if you just ate. I can't wait to bake pies and throw snowballs. This winter is going to be colder and more wintry than usual, or so they say. (Who ARE they??) We will get through it, hunker down and snuggle up, and get through it.

I came home from my meeting, and a good portion of the apples from the tree had fallen on the ground. So we shook the others loose and canned 14 quarts of applesauce this weekend. YUM!

The animals are doing well. Wolfgang and Cindi are bunking together, and you never know what might happen when you're not looking! We are hoping for some March kids from her. They will be so cute, and so cheeky! L has already asked for all of the babies. I don't think so! I get something for buying all of the feed, and doing most of the work! He will be working on a meat goat project for 4H, in addition to showing Cindi again this year.

Speaking of L, he is doing well in football. We are proud of him! His team has not had one touchdown, nor have they won one game (of course). It is sad to see them not do well, but we are proud of his effort and his sportsmanship. He plays left tackle. He has taken up the clarinet, and Rocky (the dog) enjoys singing his little duets. I can't figure out how that boy can play with the dog howling like he does...

M is going through her usual fall crises, too. We are getting through them better than ever this year, though. Currently we are planning for the big 14th birthday party, which involves renting a hotel room (Sheraton Points are a job perk, thank God) and inviting 4 girls to go swimming and have pizza. I hope I will be cool enough, but I'm sure I will fail miserably. I recently took her to a salon to have her hair cut, and I took a photo of how I wanted it cut. (Think Jennifer Anniston's haircut, but a little younger style.) You should have seen how she came out of there! Even B couldn't believe how different the photo was from her hair. This week is picture week, and I decided to get out the scissors myself. I must say, her hair looks stunning. I can't believe how cute it looks, and not frizzy at all. I should have done it in the first place-- it would have saved some money and several weeks of complaints. She is not happy with the length, I cut 2-3" off of it to get the dead ends off, and you'd have thought I removed an arm. Some days I'd like to take her tongue.

B and I are hooked on watching "The Office." Well, let me qualify that by saying that we don't watch it on TV, since we don't watch hardly any TV at all. We rent Netflix, and have watched the first couple of seasons on DVD. Actually, the finale of last season was so good that we may have to start watching it on TV, even though we hate that, and we have already missed the first few. It's one of those shows that is like a train wreck-- Michael Scott makes you cringe-- but you can't stop watching.

Well, think good thoughts for me this week. I am trying very hard to make things right.