Loose Ends

Such is my life. My mantra is always, “well, things won’t be as crazy once I get through _____ (insert Christmas, Lent, this next conference, my trip to xxx, the school year, WHATEVER is consuming me at the moment).” That is such a bald-faced lie. Because even if that were the case—that my schedule would calm down and I would have an actual LULL in my responsibilities-- all of the things that I did not do during my crazy time would be needing to be done, and I would be scrambling. That is how it works. When I am facing some critical deadlines at work, it is always, “hurry up and get this done by the deadline.” Then when the deadline has passed, it’s always, “hurry up and get caught up on your late stuff before the next deadline looms, and you have to drop everything to meet the deadline for that certain project.” And I never get caught up, so the deadline looms, I drop everything to work on the project that’s due, and then pick up the late stuff again when that project’s finished.

It is very emotional for me, someone who needs closure and completeness. Learning to cope with this is a huge part of my therapy, and frankly, it is taking a long time for me to come to terms with it. My therapist has suggested getting a different job, but I do like what I do. I don’t have the answers, though I hope that someday I will be able to live with unfinished projects and that I will never have everything done.

That is part of the increased responsibility—when I first started here, in an assistant capacity, I had a list, and finished everything on it, and could leave and go home feeling that my tasks were done. Now, however, the responsibility falls on me, and the things are never done. I do have an assistant now, but it is still difficult to offload those projects without feeling some responsibility for them getting done, even if someone else is doing them. So it’s not really offloading them 100%.

Anyway, don’t know why I am moaning today, just feeling overwhelmed.

The goats are good. Cindi is healing, we are trying to come to terms with only having 2 babies to show for our kidding season, and we will all be fine. It is discouraging, as you pay for pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, extra feed, extra medication and supplements. You put everything on the calendar, vaccinate at certain dates, build special pens, buy special equipment, watch them like a hawk, hurry to get it all done before kidding season, and most of the kids die. It is hard to come to terms with. But we will move forward!