ruth

my gram
strongest woman i know

mother of 7
gram of 13
great-gram of 23

is dying

my parents married young
had me young
too young
children themselves

my gram was there for them
for me
raised them
while they raised me

we always lived nearby
i took her for granted
like i did my parents
she a permanent fixture in my life

as a teen
ashamed of our plain-ness
ashamed of our rural heritage i was
embarassed that we were not more
than we were

finally
a parent myself
nothing but pride
i marveled at her ability to love her children equally
regardless of their faults
through their successes, failures, addictions
a restaurateur, a truck driver, an artist, a store clerk
through boyfriends, babies, failed marriages
she celebrated family
and togetherness
with all of her prodigal children

second only to Jesus
she could make two loaves and a few fishes
(or a pound of ground beef)
feed thousands
her barbecue beef recipe is my favorite

she had a passion for family
she and i traced our tree
back to when it was a sapling
a pioneer family we were
the stuff of legends
and she carried the spirit

her strength was unrivaled
born to farmers
they divorced in the 40’s—unheard of
she had the original wicked stepmother

grew up to love her children unconditionally
to be our family’s rock
strong, wise, calm
grace personified

i last saw her in 2004
too long ago
according to everyone
myself included

she reigned over my cousin’s wedding
“The Matriarch”
sitting, dancing with her family all around her
but always graceful she
did not outdo the bride

sat by the side
of her dying husband
for two years
while he suffered with leukemia
rarely left the house
he was her life

she had big plans after he died
church with the other widows
shopping with daughters
vacations back to Wisconsin
computer classes

even had a boyfriend

it started with a bad hip
replaced in 2006
she never walked again

now she does not talk much
sits in a wheelchair
in a nursing home
muscles atrophied
battles seizures nearly every day
eyes half open
mouth half closed

waits for visitors
her children come daily

my strong gram
my rock
my role model
gone

all that is left is a shell of a woman
a great woman
my memories of her tremendous strength
and my guilt
for living so far away
and seeing her so little

i pray for her peace
and i pray for mine