My m.o. is basically OUTPUT. I am a loud, busy, (usually) fun and energetic person. I am not typically quiet or shy. I do not spend a lot of time in solitude, or pondering. In fact, I would be willing to bet that it's been said about me that I should spend more time thinking before I speak, rather than during or after my comments. : )
The last couple of weeks, as I recovered from my busy time, I have been spending in quiet. Not necessarily in my relationships with others, though I have been more thoughtful about my interactions with my family, but also in my blogging and my consideration of things. For example, I saw a sunset last night, and really wanted to photograph it, to capture it and share it with the world. But, instead, I chose to take it in-- spend more time and energy keeping it to myself, rather than spitting it back at others. I have had silly thoughts, and funny things to report, but instead, I just chose to laugh to myself or to share them with B.
I don't really know why I am feeling this way, and I don't think it is indicative of any sort of immediate depression or problem. I think it's just a phase. It is healthy for me, though, as I think that while my normal behavior is, well, normal (for me), it consumes a lot of energy and effort. I am tired, lots of things have made me tired lately, and as I try and recover from this busy time, from a very difficult work period (which went off very well, I might add), and a very difficult time with M, being quiet and thoughtful has enabled me to recharge.
I think that I am very close to being "back to my normal" self (whatever that is), but I feel like that panic is just the other side of a bad day. It's also exhausting to be fearful or cognizant of that. I do have some appointments lined up to be sure that it doesn't happen again. Eileen said that I had a panic attack, and if you have never had one of those, consider yourself very lucky. I used to think that people made those things up, or were fragile people, and couldn't deal with life's speed bumps very well. I have struggled with not only the fear of another panic attack, but the feeling that I must now not be as strong as I once was. Logically that's just BS, but emotionally it's hard to convince oneself otherwise.
I read a wonderful article recently (Dooce linked to it). If you have a chance to read it, you should. It describes a man, like myself, who thought depression and panic was for weak people. Not strong people like me. He happened to be smack in the middle of Hurricane Katrina. My "hurricane" was when B was discharged from the AF. That same time, M was diagnosed, and we had no idea where we were going, where the money would be coming from, and I-- a person who was typically in control-- was feeling incredibly out of control. I used to write scenarios on index cards and then write everything that would happen if that scenario came to pass. It was like having a flow chart for my life. If we were discharged with X amount of money, to X part of the country, then we would take action by doing this and this and this. For a different amount of money, or a different part of the country, or for not being discharged, then we would do this. In that situation, given that he was not yet discharged (and not certain of discharge), and we didn't know where we were going, it was difficult not to put the horse before the cart. No job until you have a destination, no destination until you are discharged, no money until you are discharged... A very, helpless, out-of-control situation that rocked my confidence and made me forever second guess my plan in life. I will never allow myself to be controlled to that extent ever again.
So that was my "hurricane." The author of the article was never able to recover from the hurricane because he covered stories of suffering and despair daily. Even when his familiy moved away to stay with family while the worst of it was occurring, he stayed behind to cover those desperate souls still mired in the aftermath. My aftermath was not a result of the Air Force, but rather my daily struggle with M and her emotional issues. It has been 14 years, and it has its ups and downs. Currently, it is down-- she is a teenager, with a severe attitude problem, unable to understand cause and effect, unable to conceptualize her place in relationships. Always angry at me for my role in whatever situation is plaguing her at the moment, from something about her clothes, to something that happened with her friends. She punishes me daily, from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. Our family dynamic clearly needs help, and I have plans to work on that, but I have to fix me first, as I need the strength to deal with her. Had I not been dealing with that for 14 years already, I think I would have more energy, but she has become fiercest when I find myself at my weakest. So I did not have an adequate chance to recover and renew after my hurricane. Work was a source of strength and stability. Dotting i's and crossing t's is a great way for one to feel in control. I can juggle all the balls necessary at work, even if the balls at home are dropping. It's enough to make me feel in control and effective, just to have the work part humming along smoothly. And frankly, that is a big step for me. Because at my old house, before we moved to the farm, I could not let the house/home stuff lie, either. But now my cleaning standards have relaxed, and I am content with not being supermom. However, when I had four meetings in four weeks (three major meetings), a ball was bound to drop. Instead of rolling with the punches, I was ill equipped. I was unable to roll with the punches. I lost my mind when the ball dropped, as I had lost all control of every aspect of my life (in my warped reality). In REALITY, I have amazing support from B and L. M does provide me with stability in her own way--- I can always depend on her to be consistently angry! I did NOT lose control. But my perception was one of despair, and I became desperate.
So, now as I come back, I am trying to take that respite. I am still bruised from that episode, and I am still very wary of it happening again. And, true to form, I will do what it takes to ensure I never find myself there again. Of course, that comes with its own pressures, but there are some things that one cannot change about themselves. I will not be silent for long!
In the meantime, I am storing up lots to write about. I can't wait to tell you about my possum that is at home in my Hav-A-Hart trap, just waiting for me to get home and figure out what the heck to do with it!!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
What a morning...
I have had "one of those mornings." I got up early enough to get to work early. I was happy about that, because I am taking tomorrow and half of Friday off to recuperate from my crazy month. (Like one day will help! But it's a start...) I ended up late for work, since about the time I left, Rocky (our dog) ran away. It makes me so incensed, since Raven would never run away. The emotional side of me thinks that if life is so terrible at our house that he just wants to bolt every time the door opens, then he should just run and leave his miserable existence here. Why should we hold him captive and feed him great food and love on him and give him a nice warm house, if he would rather be on his own? I know that he doesn't really think that logically, but it just makes me angry... So instead of heading for work, I help B find him in the hay field. I am running through the grass in my blazer and skirt. I smashed my hand in the gate, and it is swollen and bruised already. I stepped in dog poo in my new (not work) boots. I left without getting breakfast, and I was already 20 minutes late.
As I typed this blog, I got a call from B that he had run over a kitten.
Ugh, what a day. I just want to go back to bed, and it isn't even 9:00.
On the positive side, I did sell our corn this morning for a very great $2.89 a bushel! Woo hoo! We will be buying "infrastructure" as B calls it-- fence and waterers. Of course, I would like to buy more goats, but that's always my answer!
As I typed this blog, I got a call from B that he had run over a kitten.
Ugh, what a day. I just want to go back to bed, and it isn't even 9:00.
On the positive side, I did sell our corn this morning for a very great $2.89 a bushel! Woo hoo! We will be buying "infrastructure" as B calls it-- fence and waterers. Of course, I would like to buy more goats, but that's always my answer!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Where to begin?
It has been an interesting few weeks. I wish I could say they were great, but they have definitely had their ups and downs.
The downs first...
Work is getting exceedingly stressful. I think probably the largest part of it is my inability to settle for anything less than perfection from myself. Definitely a character flaw, and given that I have spent the year (plus) in therapy, you'd think I'd have learned something. I have learned how to meditate, appreciate, vegitate, procrastinate and a hundred other things (that don't end in -ate) to give myself permission to be human. I have learned how to talk myself through tough situations and rationalize that my life doesn't have to be this way.
But it is not enough. While I thought I was making tremendous progress, when it came down to the wire, down to where it really mattered, it was all lip service. Superficial. I was unable to cut the mustard.
I have been doing my job since 1990. I am really, really good at it. I make mistakes, of course, as everyone does, but my clients love me. They just signed another year's contract with my company, for my services, and they have increased their pay to my company by over 33% in the past two years. They spoke the words, "we love her" to my company's CEO.
You would think that hearing and knowing that would be enough. Enough to get me out of bed in the morning, enough to give myself some lattitude to enjoy my job knowing that they love my work and find it worthy of a hefty raise.
Instead, it makes me feel intense pressure. If my client is paying that much more, then they deserve that much more toward perfection. Just typing it makes me feel like I must be insane-- that logic is just nonsense. But it is the way I feel, and the reality.
I had a meeting last week. I can't remember how many meetings I have planned for my work over the years. Scores. Big and small, complicated and simple. This meeting was for my dream client (the ones I mention above). I stressed out so badly last weekend I could hardly keep food down. (That is *SO* not like me!) I woke up every morning at 3:30 am, and even went into work one morning early because I couldn't get back to sleep. Two days before the meeting I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. I was convinced that I could *NOT* go to this meeting. I was thinking of all kinds of things I could do to get out of it-- feign sickness, call in with a made up farm accident, etc. It was completely and totally irrational. And even as I type it, it sounds like the most ridiculous thing one would ever do or think of. But my panic and my fear were completely overwhelming and undermined every ounce of logic and reason that I could even muster.
Fortunately, I am married to my most cherished friend. He picked me up, and while he validated my fears, he told me what I needed to do to get past them and succeed. He told me to breathe, put one foot in front of the other, and not to stop moving. And I did just what he told me to do. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I kept hearing him tell me that I could do it. During the meeting, he answered my phone calls, and text messaged me nice things. What an amazing friend.
Needless to say, my life is not the same as it was a year ago. Whatever has a hold of me has really gotten to my core, to the point that I am unable to do what I used to do in the same way. It has attacked my confidence and my experience. However, there is enough left of me to fight. There are things that I want to do, and I am pursuing them (the goats), and of course, for now, the day job is a necessary evil. But I am considering the amount of stress that I have daily, and whether this job is really healthy or not. Eileen has repeatedly told me that my job is not good for my health. I believe her, but I also question whether it will be this way for any job. After all, this is not reality, it is *my* reality, and it will be the same everywhere I go. It is not going to get any better until I fix the problem with me.
This runs in my family, it is deeper than logic, more real than you can ever imagine. I have seen it paralyze those who are heroes to me, render them helpless and hopeless. Fortunately, I think, because I have seen both sides of it, I know there is hope, and while it will not be an easy journey, I have what it takes. I have creative outlets, I have financial stability, I have the insight of experience with mental health issues, and above all, I have the dearest friend in the entire world for my life partner. I can't fail.
While all of that sounds like it would be all-consuming, life does go on, and there is plenty to be thankful for and from which to derive hope. Autumn is here, and I am determined to be excited about it. I am finding beauty today in the crisp wind, the whirlwinds of yellow and orange maple leaves swirling at my feet as the kids and I rush to get the last green tomatoes in for the season. It is going to be very cold the next few days, highs in the 40's and lows in the 20's. We will bring the tomatoes in the house, and hope they will ripen so we can can them. I can't wait to steam up the windows on the house, like a container of warm goodness in the cold air. Coming back in from the barn, you open the door to a steamy, savory smell that makes you ravenous, even if you just ate. I can't wait to bake pies and throw snowballs. This winter is going to be colder and more wintry than usual, or so they say. (Who ARE they??) We will get through it, hunker down and snuggle up, and get through it.
I came home from my meeting, and a good portion of the apples from the tree had fallen on the ground. So we shook the others loose and canned 14 quarts of applesauce this weekend. YUM!
The animals are doing well. Wolfgang and Cindi are bunking together, and you never know what might happen when you're not looking! We are hoping for some March kids from her. They will be so cute, and so cheeky! L has already asked for all of the babies. I don't think so! I get something for buying all of the feed, and doing most of the work! He will be working on a meat goat project for 4H, in addition to showing Cindi again this year.
Speaking of L, he is doing well in football. We are proud of him! His team has not had one touchdown, nor have they won one game (of course). It is sad to see them not do well, but we are proud of his effort and his sportsmanship. He plays left tackle. He has taken up the clarinet, and Rocky (the dog) enjoys singing his little duets. I can't figure out how that boy can play with the dog howling like he does...
M is going through her usual fall crises, too. We are getting through them better than ever this year, though. Currently we are planning for the big 14th birthday party, which involves renting a hotel room (Sheraton Points are a job perk, thank God) and inviting 4 girls to go swimming and have pizza. I hope I will be cool enough, but I'm sure I will fail miserably. I recently took her to a salon to have her hair cut, and I took a photo of how I wanted it cut. (Think Jennifer Anniston's haircut, but a little younger style.) You should have seen how she came out of there! Even B couldn't believe how different the photo was from her hair. This week is picture week, and I decided to get out the scissors myself. I must say, her hair looks stunning. I can't believe how cute it looks, and not frizzy at all. I should have done it in the first place-- it would have saved some money and several weeks of complaints. She is not happy with the length, I cut 2-3" off of it to get the dead ends off, and you'd have thought I removed an arm. Some days I'd like to take her tongue.
B and I are hooked on watching "The Office." Well, let me qualify that by saying that we don't watch it on TV, since we don't watch hardly any TV at all. We rent Netflix, and have watched the first couple of seasons on DVD. Actually, the finale of last season was so good that we may have to start watching it on TV, even though we hate that, and we have already missed the first few. It's one of those shows that is like a train wreck-- Michael Scott makes you cringe-- but you can't stop watching.
Well, think good thoughts for me this week. I am trying very hard to make things right.
The downs first...
Work is getting exceedingly stressful. I think probably the largest part of it is my inability to settle for anything less than perfection from myself. Definitely a character flaw, and given that I have spent the year (plus) in therapy, you'd think I'd have learned something. I have learned how to meditate, appreciate, vegitate, procrastinate and a hundred other things (that don't end in -ate) to give myself permission to be human. I have learned how to talk myself through tough situations and rationalize that my life doesn't have to be this way.
But it is not enough. While I thought I was making tremendous progress, when it came down to the wire, down to where it really mattered, it was all lip service. Superficial. I was unable to cut the mustard.
I have been doing my job since 1990. I am really, really good at it. I make mistakes, of course, as everyone does, but my clients love me. They just signed another year's contract with my company, for my services, and they have increased their pay to my company by over 33% in the past two years. They spoke the words, "we love her" to my company's CEO.
You would think that hearing and knowing that would be enough. Enough to get me out of bed in the morning, enough to give myself some lattitude to enjoy my job knowing that they love my work and find it worthy of a hefty raise.
Instead, it makes me feel intense pressure. If my client is paying that much more, then they deserve that much more toward perfection. Just typing it makes me feel like I must be insane-- that logic is just nonsense. But it is the way I feel, and the reality.
I had a meeting last week. I can't remember how many meetings I have planned for my work over the years. Scores. Big and small, complicated and simple. This meeting was for my dream client (the ones I mention above). I stressed out so badly last weekend I could hardly keep food down. (That is *SO* not like me!) I woke up every morning at 3:30 am, and even went into work one morning early because I couldn't get back to sleep. Two days before the meeting I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. I was convinced that I could *NOT* go to this meeting. I was thinking of all kinds of things I could do to get out of it-- feign sickness, call in with a made up farm accident, etc. It was completely and totally irrational. And even as I type it, it sounds like the most ridiculous thing one would ever do or think of. But my panic and my fear were completely overwhelming and undermined every ounce of logic and reason that I could even muster.
Fortunately, I am married to my most cherished friend. He picked me up, and while he validated my fears, he told me what I needed to do to get past them and succeed. He told me to breathe, put one foot in front of the other, and not to stop moving. And I did just what he told me to do. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I kept hearing him tell me that I could do it. During the meeting, he answered my phone calls, and text messaged me nice things. What an amazing friend.
Needless to say, my life is not the same as it was a year ago. Whatever has a hold of me has really gotten to my core, to the point that I am unable to do what I used to do in the same way. It has attacked my confidence and my experience. However, there is enough left of me to fight. There are things that I want to do, and I am pursuing them (the goats), and of course, for now, the day job is a necessary evil. But I am considering the amount of stress that I have daily, and whether this job is really healthy or not. Eileen has repeatedly told me that my job is not good for my health. I believe her, but I also question whether it will be this way for any job. After all, this is not reality, it is *my* reality, and it will be the same everywhere I go. It is not going to get any better until I fix the problem with me.
This runs in my family, it is deeper than logic, more real than you can ever imagine. I have seen it paralyze those who are heroes to me, render them helpless and hopeless. Fortunately, I think, because I have seen both sides of it, I know there is hope, and while it will not be an easy journey, I have what it takes. I have creative outlets, I have financial stability, I have the insight of experience with mental health issues, and above all, I have the dearest friend in the entire world for my life partner. I can't fail.
While all of that sounds like it would be all-consuming, life does go on, and there is plenty to be thankful for and from which to derive hope. Autumn is here, and I am determined to be excited about it. I am finding beauty today in the crisp wind, the whirlwinds of yellow and orange maple leaves swirling at my feet as the kids and I rush to get the last green tomatoes in for the season. It is going to be very cold the next few days, highs in the 40's and lows in the 20's. We will bring the tomatoes in the house, and hope they will ripen so we can can them. I can't wait to steam up the windows on the house, like a container of warm goodness in the cold air. Coming back in from the barn, you open the door to a steamy, savory smell that makes you ravenous, even if you just ate. I can't wait to bake pies and throw snowballs. This winter is going to be colder and more wintry than usual, or so they say. (Who ARE they??) We will get through it, hunker down and snuggle up, and get through it.
I came home from my meeting, and a good portion of the apples from the tree had fallen on the ground. So we shook the others loose and canned 14 quarts of applesauce this weekend. YUM!
The animals are doing well. Wolfgang and Cindi are bunking together, and you never know what might happen when you're not looking! We are hoping for some March kids from her. They will be so cute, and so cheeky! L has already asked for all of the babies. I don't think so! I get something for buying all of the feed, and doing most of the work! He will be working on a meat goat project for 4H, in addition to showing Cindi again this year.
Speaking of L, he is doing well in football. We are proud of him! His team has not had one touchdown, nor have they won one game (of course). It is sad to see them not do well, but we are proud of his effort and his sportsmanship. He plays left tackle. He has taken up the clarinet, and Rocky (the dog) enjoys singing his little duets. I can't figure out how that boy can play with the dog howling like he does...
M is going through her usual fall crises, too. We are getting through them better than ever this year, though. Currently we are planning for the big 14th birthday party, which involves renting a hotel room (Sheraton Points are a job perk, thank God) and inviting 4 girls to go swimming and have pizza. I hope I will be cool enough, but I'm sure I will fail miserably. I recently took her to a salon to have her hair cut, and I took a photo of how I wanted it cut. (Think Jennifer Anniston's haircut, but a little younger style.) You should have seen how she came out of there! Even B couldn't believe how different the photo was from her hair. This week is picture week, and I decided to get out the scissors myself. I must say, her hair looks stunning. I can't believe how cute it looks, and not frizzy at all. I should have done it in the first place-- it would have saved some money and several weeks of complaints. She is not happy with the length, I cut 2-3" off of it to get the dead ends off, and you'd have thought I removed an arm. Some days I'd like to take her tongue.
B and I are hooked on watching "The Office." Well, let me qualify that by saying that we don't watch it on TV, since we don't watch hardly any TV at all. We rent Netflix, and have watched the first couple of seasons on DVD. Actually, the finale of last season was so good that we may have to start watching it on TV, even though we hate that, and we have already missed the first few. It's one of those shows that is like a train wreck-- Michael Scott makes you cringe-- but you can't stop watching.
Well, think good thoughts for me this week. I am trying very hard to make things right.
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